Some people should not be allowed to speak in public

I was is Taco John's for lunch; today is Taco Tuesday with a $ .69 taco special. As I am waiting for my to go order these two guys standing behind me start talking. The one who looked like a garden gnome pipes up "I don't understand why you would come here on Tuesday and order a chalupa? It is Taco Tuesday, not chalupa Tuesday". Then the semi-nerdy guys says "straight up"! Garden Gnome then adds "I saw some guy throw away almost a full order of potato ole's! That is an insult! To me, you and even Whiplash"! For those of you who don't know Whiplash is a Capuchin monkey who rides a dog in their commercials. How can you insult a dog riding monkey? Why is this insulting to you Mr. Garden Gnome? Why are you talking? Don't you realize there are women in her? Judging from your appearance you probably don't have a girlfriend and judging by the way you are talking you may never get one. Your behavior all but guarantees that you will not be passing your genes on anytime soon so you will probably die alone. I am sorry to tell you this but I feel compelled to get this off my chest.

Identifying with Old School

Last weekend I was flipping the channels when I came across Old School on TBS. I thought this was the perfect way to kill a few hours. It caused me to reminisce a little bit. I was a member of a fraternity in college and the scenes of rush made me laugh. I love Vince Vaughn's character especially when he tells the pledges they will give nothing back to academic society. And of course Will Ferrell as Frank the Tank. I could definitely identify with both of them. I never streaked to the quad but I did my share of beer bongs back in the day. I will be honest with you there are some days I am surprised I survived to graduate college and become a productive citizen.

Dear Abby asks TDizzle to help answer readers questions

Dear Abby has asked me to help out this week with an overflow of letters so let's get started!

DEAR ABBY/TDizzle: I am basically your average seventh-grader with divorced parents. My dad is about to get married again. I like my future stepmom, except for one thing. She never buckles her seat belt. She says it's uncomfortable, and she doesn't like it.

She recently moved here from Colombia, but that does not excuse her from obeying our laws. I don't know what to do. My dad tells her to buckle up, but she never does. What should I do? -- STRAPPED IN TIGHT

Dear Strapped in Tight: Your future stepmother does not want to see let alone hear anything from you. You are a constant reminder of a your fathers previous relationship and sees his child support payment to your mother as a drain on their finances. She would like nothing more than to bid rid of you since the extra money would come in handy. And by the way if she "moved" here from Columbia chance are your father met her on the internet and those bridal clearinghouses are not cheap. If your father is that much of a pathetic dipshit that he had to "move" your stepmother from Columbia chances are you will have to as well. So think about how you will feel when your goody two shoes progeny reminds your purchased second wife about a seat belt. The apple does not fall far from the tree!
Regards
TDizzle

Chicago Sports teams

I am tired of the arrogance of the powers that be in Chicago Sports. They have fallen in love with players who don't perform or let key players go. All the while their divisions are getting better and the windows of opportunity are closing. I have some ideas on how to fix this, I will start with the Bears.

Bears
You run Thomas Jones out of town for Cedric Bensen. He cannot pass block or run for that matter. No big off season signings. We lost the Super Bowl and we let go of a coordinator, cut our nose tackle, and settled on a bad running back. The Patriots lost in the AFC Championship Game and they went out a signed Randy Moss! Why? Because they want to WIN! Griese/Grossman have no studs in the stable Muhsin Mohammed is good but he is getting older and has no one to take pressure off of him. Then the defense is bad Brian Urlacher is hurt and behaving like a child Mike Brown is out and Adam Archuleta is just bad. At least there is only eight more games

Bulls
I almost agree with not going after Kobe because you would have gutted the team. But then you let Kevin Garnett go to the Celtics and team with Ray Allen and Paul Pierce. They have got to be the favorite in the Eastern Conference. The Knicks traded for Zach Randolph who is a low post scoring threat that we needed. We draft Noah who is an energy guy like Tyrus Thomas. I wonder if "energy" is code word for bad. Thomas has a ton of potential but seems uninterested in getting it together. Noah has little offense and is a defensive player much like the guy you pay $15 million a year; Ben Wallace. Then the big off season signing Joe Smith. I hope Luol Deng makes a huge leap we are expecting because all of a sudden we look like the losers in the Curry deal.

Cubs
Even though they made the playoffs they have issues. Soriano will only hit lead off and he is bad at that. You paid Marquis a lot of money to be bad. Now you have to go and find a starting pitcher make a decision on Wood and Prior. I would tender Wood an offer with a promise of seeing the back end of the rotation or as the closer. Rumor has it Prior will not start throwing until June so let someone else pay him to rehab. Then there is the outfield let go of the mentally ill Floyd go after someone like Torii Hunter and platoon Murton in right with Jones.

And finally; the beloved
White Sox
Some feeble minded people will probably say the Red Sox won this year last time they did that we won the next year! It is fate. I think we need to let Uribe go and solidfy the middle with someone like Eckstein or Renteria at short and go after Andruw Jones or Torii Hunter in center. Both come from winning organizations and will bring a professional attitude. I believe that the Braves may let Renteria go because while he was on the DL his replacement played pretty well. If we do this I think we could let Brian Anderson and Josh Fields battle it out for left field, Podsednik needs to go too. Hopefully Contreras will bounce back or we resign Garland and find another servicable starter to go with Buerhle, Vasquez and Garland. Hopefully someone from the trade of Brandon McCarthy; by the way I hated this trade, will show up and perform.

I believe that all of the GM's have shown to some degree or another an institutional arrogance be it falling in love with their "core"; Paxton or Williams trading away a bona fide starter for projects. I am glad I got that off my chest

Favorite show of fall 2007-Chuck

At first I ignored this show but I caught the premiere episode on Nbc.com and I was hooked. It combined some of my favorite things information technology, hot dogs, action and mindless violence. Information Technology is easy because that is how I make a living, I enjoy the action movie genre and being from the Chicagoland area I love hot dogs. One of my first jobs was working at a hot dog stand in my neighborhood; the torch of hot dog stand employment has been passed to my younger sister Kris. Serve honorably Krissy! There were two girls who worked there, neither of which were remotely attractive one of them ended up having a baby with some Chicago Bears player, or at least that was the rumor, the other was a redneck who probably satisfied truckers during her breaktime. My friend Mark wanted to be on that shit. None of them could hold a weenie to Sarah Walker portrated by Yvonne Strahovski.

Anyway if you have not given the show a chance I suggest you do, you will not be disappointed.

Two old friends reconnecting

CF: Pick up the phone already

CA: Hello.

CF: Hey Steve it's me Kirk.

CA: How are you doing? How are things in Hawkeye Nation (giggling)?

CF: Rough. Since you left town everyones ire is directly on me. These people expect me to actually win they're not buying this building for the future shit anymore. Did you see what Purdue did to us?

CA: That was rough my friend. It is nice to be here in New Mexico the only things hot here is the sun. I am tan and playing a little golf, talking at some alumni events getting free meals and things like that.

CF: Obviously none of them have heard of your history here in Iowa City. Man talk about the good ole days, walk around high fiving and fist bumping these morons, talk in coachspeak using words like synergy, cohesion bringing back the Hawkeye pride. I envy you.

CA: I am truly blessed my friend.

CF: Still running off at the mouth about that too? If people only knew!

CA: That is the beauty! They don't. Talk about resurrection! I figure it took them seven years to get sick of me in Iowa. Seven years here and I'll be in my early fifties then I can do TV. That's when the big bucks start rolling in.

CF: You're such a tool. Maybe I should start recruiting low lives like you did? Does Pierre Pierce have any brothers or cousins? Hopefully the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

CA: I beat you to them.

CF: Bastard. What am I supposed to do?

CA: Nothing just roll with it, I did. Follow the Alford scorched earth program and I promise you will land on your feet somewhere else probably making more money than you are now.

CF: Thanks Steve! Give my best to the wife and kids!

CA: You too!

I hate you Chris Berman

Dear Chris;

This morning I turned on ESPN hoping to see some highlights from the Bears vs. Eagles game; you see I live in Iowa and that game was not the Fox game in my area it was the Cowboys vs. Vikings. I listened to the game over the internet but I missed the final few minutes because my wife had brought dinner home and we were eating. Afterwards I went to my Chicago Sports website and I see that they had won. I digress well anyway like I said I turned on ESPN and you were going on about New England who beat Miami handily. Then you went on and called Tom Brady handsome and well dressed. If you like him that much it is okay, people are much more accepting these days. Maybe he feels the same about you! The two of you could live happily ever after. All I wanted to see was the final drive? That was a gut check, a season changing drive instead I had to watch you profess you love of Tom Brady. I hope you choke on him; aimless wander into traffic or any one of a hundred painful things.

Yours truly

T Dizzle

Post game questions with Coach Ferentz

TD: Thanks for taking my questions today coach.

CF: No problem Tom.

TD: Tough loss today to the Boilermakers. It seemed like a letdown especially since that emotional win against Illinois last week. Any thoughts?

CF:That was tough. And coming to play here in West Lafayette is tough. But boy letdown is a tough word. I think we played them closer than the final score dictates.

TD: Really? Curtis Painter threw the ball where ever he wanted completing 29 of 48 passes for 315 yards and three touchdowns. You were down by eleven at the half. Then you came out stale to start the second half finally getting a field goal. Then you had Purdue on a third and twelve and your vaunted defense allowed a 33 yard touchdown from Painter to Bryant. Walk me thru that, no pressure on the QB? Then you have a good return and Purdue's horrible defense caused you to punt.

CF: Those are all valid points you make. But the game looks different from the sidelines then it does on TV.

TD: On TV it looked like an asskicking.

CF:We have four games left and lets see where we go from here.

TD: Yes MSU, Minnesota, Northwestern and Western Michigan those could be four wins and a possible bowl bid. Is that what you need to keep you job?

CF: Whoa let's not get out of hand with the expectations here. All you guys want to talk about is expectations. Can we win those? Sure; but if I say that fans are going to want it and maybe even demand it. That is a lot of pressure to put me under.

TD: That is why you get paid the money. The fans and alumni expect you to field an elite program and bowl victories. Not just crappy bowls either. That begs the question, are you on the hot seat?

CF: I believe the Dolphins are on the phone for me.

TD: They just hired a new coach

CF: I mean the Falcons.

TD: I think they just hired a coach too, so did Arizona, Pittsburgh and the Raiders.

CF: Crap.

TD: Well I'll leave you to think about your failing the alumni and Hawkeye faithful.

CF: Great talking to you

Coach Chizik meets with his life coach part 2

TD: Coach; are you in here?

CC: I am in the corner.

TD: Are you sucking your thumb? Is that your Texas security blanket?

CC: Coach Brown is that you? It was all a bad dream! I am back in Austin thank God! I dreamt I was at Iowa State and you ran the score up on me even though you said you wouldn't. Colt was majestic in that game thrashing their defense, throwing precise passes to our receivers. He even scored on our first possession because their defense crumbled! Oh thank you!

TD: This is worse than I thought. Coach you are at Iowa State; that really happened. let me turn on the light in here.

CC: Oh no! What did I do to deserve this? How did I think that I could turn this program around? Did you see how happy Coach McCarney looks at USF?

TD: Settle down coach. It's not that bad. Things are looking up.

CC: They are?

TD: No not really I just was searching for something to say. I got nothing. Sorry to piss in your punch but you play Oklahoma this weekend.

CC: They're going to kill us! If Texas beat us 56-3; what are they going to do? How an I going to convince anyone to come here if I can't be competitive? I am calling Coach Brown to see if he will take me back.

TD: PUT DOWN THE PHONE. Is this the first time you have had a team that could not stop my grandmother in her walker? Come to think if it it probably is; maybe you should send flowers to him too.

CC: Good idea.

Bulls question

Is Kobe worth trading away Paxson's young core? I am not so sure this core as great as people think it is. Out of Deng, Gordon and Hinrich I would keep Deng; the other two I would trade for Kobe along with Thomas or Sefolosha and a draft pick. I am hesitant to call anyone on the Bulls untouchable. Last year Wallace was supposed to get us over the hump and that did not work. I wonder if they would like to get out from under that contract? I just do not see this group winning a championship.

I love YouTube

I was browsing some of my favorite blogs this morning and on With Leather there was a clip from SNL this past week which was a parody of an NBC commercial for Notre Dame football. Needless to say I thought this was funny so I went to YouTube and found another jem. Follow the link and enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0Y7yjxJVlc

Random weekend thoughts

First off
Chicago Bears. Damn I wish we had the other Adrian Peterson 20 rushes for 224 yards. Damn he is good instead we have the crappy Adrian Peterson. I am thinking the Bears may not make the playoffs let alone the Super Bowl again.

Purdue. Please don't do this to me again. The last three years you start out 5-0 then you crap the bed on me. You need to beat Iowa this weekend or I'll never hear the end of it from JB.

Iowa State vs. Texas. 56-3. Talk about an ass kicking. Gene Chizik was the defensive coordinator for Texas last year maybe he knew that they could not stop Texas so they didn't even try. Then to rub salt in the wound Mack Brown said he didn't want to run the score up on his friend Gene. Obviously running up the score to me is different than running up the score to Mack. Mack you're an asshole.

Information Technology gripe of the day

When I am having an e-mail server issue please do not ask me to e-mail you an error message. Chances are you may not receive it

Post season meeting between Lou and Alfonso

LP: Come in Alfonso.

AS: Hola el jefe.

LP: I like to have this end of season meeting with everyone just to kind of give you some feedback and some things to think about during the off season.

AS: I did good yes?

LP: Well no

AS: You are not pleased?

LP: Let's be honest when you and I came here people expected us to win and win big. I am afraid that we may not have met the fans expectations. And if we fail the fans they will not come out to the ballpark and if they don't come out the people upstairs are going to wonder why.

AS: That is no good.

LP: I want to talk to you about your playoff performance. You were 2 for 14 with one walk and four strikeouts. How many times did you swing at the first pitch and ground meakly to the third baseman? Then when we needed to to come up big you hit a shot and you stood there admiring it like Barry Bonds. And only got a single!

AS: Barry Bonds is good

LP: You are missing the point! You need to take a pitch, work the count let the opposing pitcher work a little bit. Right now they know you will swing at anything they throw at you. You only had one walk during the playoffs and it was intentional walk and you swung the damn bat!

AS: That is how we do in the Dominican Republic.

LP: (Face turning red) That is not how we do it here! Bottom line we paid you a shitload of money to hit a ton of lead off home runs we need more production from you!

AS: You have been around a long time jefe, you should have expected this from me. Why do you think the Yankees traded me? Because I showed no plate discipline, was a so so second baseman and disappeared in the playoffs. I am a cheaper version of A-Rod except he hits more home runs and is a better fielder. The Yankees wanted to add payroll just to be rid of me. Now I am your problem. Who else will take me I am overpaid and getting old, matter of fact I man not even be thirty two, record keeping in the Dominican Republic is bad I could be as old as thirty six! My skills will continue to diminish and my contract will be an albatross for years.

LP: (Clutching chest and turning red) GET OUT!

AS: Adios el jefe.

A bit of nostalgia

Last evening I was listening to some lyrical poetry provided by Milli Vanilli and began to reminisce about my younger days in particular the late eighties to early nineties. To say I did a lot of stupid things would be an understatement it would like saying water is wet. Back then I only had two goals, one was to have a secretary and the second was to have a camaro. The rest was only a means to accomplish these goals. I had my blue and gray denim jacket and I probably could have passed for Ralph Macchio's little brother, I probably used that line at Wright's Barnyard a few times. Do I have any regrets? No not really. Would I change anything? That is a loaded but moot question. Maybe my decision to try to swim to Michigan to avoid the Hammond Police Department at a beach party was not too smart but it makes for a great story.

Long long weekend

The baseball season for me is over. I don't really care about any of the remaining teams I would like to see the Indians get stomped other than that it's over. I have not listened to much radio this weekend but I am sure that I will hear this phrase before too long from some Cubs fans, "it was a great season". NO NO NO only one team will have a great season and it will be the one who hoists the trophy over their heads in a few weeks. So what you went from 66 wins to 85 we spent like a drunken sailor on shore leave. You needed to win it all. There were a few positives on the season. One Ted Lilly was a good signing but let's see what he does next season. De Rosa was a good signing too. He played four positions this year. Finding out what you had in Theriot were all positives. Well on to the negatives. Soriano, we paid this guy what $136 million for a guy who will only bat leadoff, can't hit a curve ball and realistically has not gotten any better since we came to the bigs. He has a career .216 BA in the playoffs, you have a leadoff hitter in Theriot but no you over spent on Soriano. I want him to run out of the batters box maybe take a pitch or two. I am afraid next time he takes one of those huge swings and misses he is going to drill himself into the ground. In August when he pulled up like Barbaro at the Preakness I was hoping he was done for the year but it was not meant to be. He is not the only reason the Cubs lost Lee and Ramirez decided not to show up either. None of the big three showed up this series matter of fact these three are the new Wood and Prior.

On a lighter side the Bears won. It was the first game I've seen from coin toss to heroic Favre interception in the endzone with time expiring. Next time I have to watch a Packers game in Lambeau I hope they do not scan the crowd. Wisconsin ,besides being a leading dairy producer, produces some ugly people. No wonder they drink so much it is the only way to avoid the mass plague of ugliness I'll bet the cows would drive themselves to the slaughter house to avoid seeing that for another day. I've spent significant time in Wisconsin, I was going to go to grad school in Wisconsin and yet I did not notice it, maybe it is localized to Green Bay. Time will tell

Thanks for the memories

Last night I was driving to pick up my daughter when the Journey song Don't stop believing was playing. I started to think about 2005 that wonderful season when the White Sox won the World Series. Somehow this song became the anthem of the 2005 White Sox and my thoughts drifted to that night in October when Orlando Palmiero grounded to Uribe, Uribe to Konerko and game over. SOX WIN SOX WIN! All the years of terrible baseball at old Comiskey the first year at new Comiskey when Mark, Jim and I are sitting there in September in winter coats and drinking beer at that moment it didn't matter. They won and I was satisfied. I may not get to experience that again but at least we had it once in my lifetime.

Close but no cigar.

I thought that the Cubs had a chance of winning this game last night. Zambrano was on but so was Brandon Webb. Zambrano went six strong innings striking out eight, I can see why Pinella pulled him thinking he would need him for game four and he put in Marmol who has been lights out as well. However you need to win game one or there maybe no game four. Part of the problem is that your number one and two hitters, Soriano and Jones, were a combined 0-9 last night. That would not have been too bad if Ramirez, Floyd and Soto had not gone 0-11. Plus they left a ton of runners in scoring position you can't win in the post season if you don't produce.

I am a little disappointed with Soriano, I have been all season but last night exemplified it. Webb decided to pitch him like opposing pitchers pitched to Cerrano in file Major League; throw him a fast ball he hits it throw him a curve or anything off speed and he can't hit it. So I beg Soriano to do what Pedro Cerrano did in that epic film: Bats, they are sick. I cannot hit curveball. Straightball I hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, rum. He will come.

Make it a double for Jobu bartendar and Alfonso try looking at a pitch or two no more one pitch one out. Please

The Office

I am a huge fan of this show however I am a little worried about Jim and Pam dating. In the past many shows were ruined when a relationship became part of the storyline. When this line of thought came to mind I went to www.jumptheshark.com and my worries were verified; a list of shows that "jumped the shark" were as follows:

Cheers- Sam and Diana started dating
Frasier-Niles and Daphne
Northern Exposure-Joel and Maggie
Moonlighting-Dave and Maddie

Other shows that were bad to begin with:
Friends-Ross and Rachael, Chandler and Monica. I personally hated this show from the get.
The Nanny-Fran and Maxwell. If they wanted to improve this show they would have killed off Fran.

Anyway I hope this show does not follow suit.

Politics

At 2:30 break yesterday we were discussing politics when my friend Jo mentioned a Mitt Romney interview where he said that Republicans need to stop acting like Democrats and return to our fiscally responsible roots that Republicans have been known for. Jo went a step further and said Democrats and Republican need to stop acting as such and start acting like Americans. Well said Jo.

I wish Fred Thompson would go away. All he has to say is a lot of nothing and he tries to play the down home folksy good ole boy. Wasn't that our current president's approach too? I predict that many of the initial support is because of his role on Law and Order. When people realize that Arthur Branch is not running for the presidency his support will wane. I predict that we will more than likely see a Giuliani/Huckabee ticket. Rudy has the mass appeal and Mike will appeal to the social conservatives.

Thanks Isiah

I guess you can say I hate the Knicks. Their roster sucks I've not seen this much manure since I cleaned out my horses stalls. Don't get me wrong Isiah has drafted some good talent in the past but man James Dolan must be an idiot. Let's see you have Marbury, Crawford and Q at guards they play no D and will shoot at will from the bench if you let them. Davind Lee is decent at forward I am interested to see how the brother from DePaul , as Spike Lee called him on draft night, Wilson Chandler does because Isiah can identify talent and harass women. Then he trades away Channing Frye for Zach Randolph. Every team needs an overweight psychopath who plays no defense on their team. Pair him with the lazy, overweight player with a heart problem and you have quite a line up. Who will rebound? Curry can if he would just jump. And now you throw in the sexual harassment verdict. What will Isiah do for an encore? How can he top this? Only time will tell

This morning

While I was driving in this morning I was listening to the song "1985" by Bowling for Soup. And it reminded me of the time my friends an I started a band. Well that maybe overstating it because we had a lack of the following; instruments and the ability to play an instrument. But dammit that was not going to stop us we wrote a few songs and Kenny recorded them. Now Kenny is deceased, Matt is a police officer and I am here keepin it real. It was a nice treat to conjure up those memories if only for a moment and laugh about youthful excitement. Thanks Kenny for the memory, Matt keep the streets safe and I'll talk to you later.

Coming out of the closet.

I am a closet Cubs fan. I have spend man a losing season watching Chicago baseball on both sides of town. I remember as a kid watching Chet Lemon and Ralph Garr play at old Comiskey, sitting in the picnic area while my dad heckled Ralph after a few beers. I saw Reggie Jackson play there along with Carl Yastrzemski play at Comiskey too. On the North side I have many similar memories seeing Sandberg play his final game there, being the only round eye in attendance when Hideo Nomo came to town and watching Zambrano pitch against Pettitte when the Yankees came to town. I want to see the Cubs win I think they may have more talent than the Diamondbacks but I am not sure it will happen. I believe that this doubt is Cublike and in turn makes me a Cubs fan. So to my coworkers who have long suspected this I am confessing.

Random thoughts

First
I have read that many Christian Conservatives want to start a third party because they are unhappy with the crop of Republican candidates. I think that introducing morality into polictics is a bad mix. Much like Vince McMahon's foray into professional football. I think that the GOP needs to focus on a candidate who can bring together a fragmented party and appeal to the wider base of voters. As a country we cannot have another administration who only appeals to a small portion of the electorate. I will admit I voted for Bush but I really wonder why. I'm a man without a party; the left scares me because of their naive approach to issues. If we pull out of Iraq it will be viewed as weakness. The Second World War ended in 1945 we still have troops in Germany and Japan; the Korean War ended in 1953 we still have troops in S. Korea. We will be in Iraq for a generation. Then there is health care. How will we pay for universal health care? Then the far right scares the shit out of me look what they have done! Need I say more?

Second
Props to K-Fed. Guys have been stuck for years losing custody of their kids and paying child support out their noses. All you had to do was marry a skank father a few kids and now you are set for life. Both in the monetary and sexually transmitted disease categories.

Third
I like the matchup with Zambrano starting the first game tomorrow vs. Webb. He pitches better away from Wrigley. So I am seeing a glimmer of hope Lilly will pitch the second game which I feel more comfortable with. Game three is where I start to worry I would rather see Hill go in that game. I think if it goes to a fourth game Z will pitch that one and game five would be Lilly on full rest. The D-Backs have a better record in one run games and maybe better defensively so it will be interesting.

The suffering is over

The White Sox season is over. I am happy for the Kevorkian like end to their season.

Talk about some ass clowns

Today the Cubs are having a rally in Chicago. Congratulations for staggering into the playoff and good luck in your last three games of the season. I have a feeling that they will not beat Arizona since they dropped 4 of 6 during the season. Once again sorry to pee in your punch Cubbies but against the NL West they were 17-18. I love Chicago, I like the Cubs but I hate ass clown Cubs fans who think they are awesome because they play in the weakest division in baseball, 83-79 they would have been in third place in the East and fourth in the West. Sorry I need to go to my happy place. If they get past Arizona I will give them their props and then I will be excited.